Relationships Difficult : Why do they get harder as we get older? What makes finding a partner after 30 so difficult? In the psychotherapist’s office as well as in friendly conversations, the topic of relationships occupies a huge volume of discussions. Family relationships, friendships, professional relationships, romantic relationships. Through our relationships, we define the world around us as well as ourselves. Field theory and Gestalt psychotherapy tell us that we are interdependent with the field that surrounds us, TripTogether.com which constitutes and consists of all our relationships. Relationships with people, with the natural environment, with our work, even with abstract concepts such as value systems and everything that surrounds us literally and figuratively.
I relate therefore I exist. From all the above relationships, the ones that seem to preoccupy us more intensely and more often are our romantic – partner relationships. I often meet, both inside and outside of my work, people over 30 who have great difficulty in making a stable companionship. More specifically, I often see, among single people in their 30s and 40s, a strong frustration with the process of finding a partner regardless of gender. So what happens and makes love relationships difficult after a certain age? an intense frustration regarding the process of finding a partner regardless of gender. So what happens and makes love relationships difficult after a certain age? an intense frustration regarding the process of finding a partner regardless of gender. So what happens and makes love relationships difficult after a certain age?
Table of Contents
The Pressure of Time
In my opinion, one factor that makes relationships very difficult is the time pressure that many people experience. When the years pass and those around us, friends, colleagues, cousins, etc. begin to live together, get married, have children and everything that our society dictates that adults should do at this age, an inner sense of pressure is often created of time, which intensifies with its passage. Unfortunately, those around us often actively contribute to this feeling, such as relatives who indiscriminately ask “When are you getting married?” or they throw out condemnations like “You’ll be on the shelf if you don’t find a man to fix your life soon” or the friends.
Who will say something like “Come on, will you ever get serious? ” And especially for women this pressure is often greater as it is linked to their reproductive capacity. We receive so much external pressure, that many times, it is difficult to distinguish for oneself whether the pressure one feels is really the result of a personal unfulfilled need of one’s organism for a companionship or it is a result of the interjections* that we have “swallowed” about how a “successful” person should be after 30.
What is the Impact of Pressure on The Process of Creating a Relationship?
This pressure can lead to a variety of results. It can make people stressed, rushed, pushy, avoidant, jerky and more. Like anything new, relationships need a fertile ground to grow. The ground is co-created by the two people participating in the Relationship. Initially, we start from the “common ground”, all that unites us and then if everything goes well we expand to the most “unexplored territories” and the common base expands.
But stress poisons our inner soil, erodes it, makes it fragile and inhospitable. Thus, the stressed person does not have the ground to support the relationship, but the person on the other side also finds it difficult to trust a shaky ground. To truly fall in love with someone, we need to admire them. A person’s confidence is the number one thing that makes someone attractive, and anxiety reflects insecurity, not confidence. Therefore it is almost impossible to fall in love with a person who is overwhelmed by stress and haste.
I Want you to Want Me
In addition to admiration, another and probably the most basic component of romantic attraction is desire. The desire to desire and to be desired. Especially in its first phase, love is mainly about the second. We first fall in love with the reflection of our own self in the eyes of another. “When someone falls in love, they don’t really see the other person as a whole. Instead, the other acts as a screen where the lover projects his idealized sides. ” (Bucai, J., 2006). Many times, therefore, when a person is in the above-mentioned state of pressure and stress, he does not respond “well” to the desire of others to desire him.
Create A Relationship
When the person in love, instead of projecting his ideal self to the other, projects his anxiety to create a relationship, a marriage, a family, etc. it places upon the point of contact a tremendous weight and a tremendous pressure which frightens the receiver of this projection. Stress and anxiety destroy the surrounding atmosphere of desire that is essential to love. Moreover, the pressure creates the feeling TripTogether that the other does not desire me for who I am, but needs me, needs me to fill his time, space, existence. And if seeing desire in another’s eyes is an aphrodisiac, seeing need is the exact opposite. This feeling creates a new pressure that becomes unbearable for the person receiving it and often leads to flight.
The pressure creates the feeling that the other does not desire me for who I am, but needs me, needs me to fill his time, space, existence. And if seeing desire in another’s eyes is an aphrodisiac, seeing need is the exact opposite. This feeling creates a new pressure that becomes unbearable for the person receiving it and often leads to flight. the pressure creates the feeling that the other does not desire me for who I am, but needs me, needs me to fill his time, space, existence. And if seeing desire in another’s eyes is an aphrodisiac, seeing need is the exact opposite. This feeling creates a new pressure that becomes unbearable for the person receiving it and often leads to flight.
Ghosts of The Past – Relationships Difficult
Ghosts of the past are another big factor that makes relationships difficult as we get older. Our experiences so far determine to a certain extent our perceptions and expectations. Past relationships – whether it’s one or two long-term relationships, or many or a few short relationships, or non-relationships – often haunt us. They haunt us through our own personal prejudices about how we function in a relationship, how others treat us, how they develop or not develop, depending on the scenario.
The truth is, this is the cognitive process of the human species. Through our experiences, we derive information. Which we process to make sense of what is happening and to be able to predict. As far as we can – the future. In this process, however, we generalize and simplify. At the risk of letting our previous experiences predetermine. How the new relationship should or should not be and therefore its outcome.
I notice that many people at the first hint that they will be reminded of something negative. From a previous situation tend to reject the person. They have in front of them summarily and the same can happen. When this person does not meet the high expectations that they had created at some point previous relationship. There is therefore a strong tendency to compare. New experiences with the old ones which very easily leads to rejection either because something “turned sour” on us or because something is not as it was.
Great Expectations – Relationships Difficult
The expectations we have of each new potential relationship as we grow older seem to grow as well. And on the one hand, this is both logical and healthy. As we grow older, we mature, which means we know ourselves better, what we like and don’t like, what we want and need from a relationship. The problem arises when our expectations get too big and become unrealistic. After all, we live in the age of high expectations. We require our partner to embody roles that have never been embodied until recently in human history (Bucai, J., 2006). To be an ideal wife, lover, mother/father, to fascinate us but also to give us. A sense of security, at the same time to be our best friend, to support us. Financially when we need it and how much more .
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So what happens is that we end up waiting to find what we want. The way we want it, cut and sewn to our measurements and in addition. We need the other person to quickly prove to us that it is she/he that we want and not all. That we have rejected in the past because we don’t have time and energy to waste anymore at this age. But how realistic is this and how fair? How do I feel when the other person puts me in this position? How easy is it to unfairly reject someone in this fast-paced process?
And finally, how many opportunities for a meaningful relationship do we give each other and ourselves? In our 20s we gave ourselves more opportunities because. We had time and we didn’t really care if the relationship would “go somewhere”. But after 30, we want to find something substantial with a future -and we are doing well. But no one can ever know from the beginning. If an acquaintance can become a relationship. And even more so if it will develop into a “successful” relationship with a future.
